How to Set Healthy Boundaries as a Caregiver
Guest blog by Karen Wyatt MD for The Denver Hospice
If you are one of the 53 million family caregivers in the U.S. who provide care at home to a loved one, you already know that this task is challenging. No doubt you have already felt the impact of chronic stress on your own health and wellbeing.
Caregiving is a never-ending responsibility that changes from moment-to-moment and constantly surprises you with new dilemmas you feel unprepared to handle. Most caregivers have had little or no training for the tasks they must perform and end up learning “on the job”, which adds to the stress of each situation.
You’ve probably also heard many suggestions for self-care as a caregiver, like taking time for yourself to relax, exercise, eat a healthy diet, get a massage, and on and on. But the reality for caregivers is that there are not enough hours in the day to incorporate all of those beneficial self-care routines while you also complete the work required to care for your loved one.
However it’s important to consider a compromise and find small ways to conserve your energy. When you are healthier and happier you will be a more efficient and positive caregiver for your loved one. Here are some steps toward creating and maintaining healthy boundaries and finding little moments of time for your own wellbeing:
Make a list of all the tasks you do in one day
Include things like grocery shopping, preparing meals, doing laundry, and housecleaning along with organizing medications, giving a bed bath, assisting with grooming, dressing and bathroom needs for your loved one. Put down everything you can think of, even picking up mail, paying bills or taking out the trash.
Make a list of possible helpers
For this list go beyond the obvious close family members who may already be helping as much as they can. Think about extended family, friends, club or church members, community service organizations, old acquaintances of your loved one. Put every name on the list you can think of and don’t reject anyone because you fear they would say no—for now you are just brainstorming all of the people in your expanded social circle.
List any special skills of your helpers
Who on your list of helpers loves cooking or is good at bookkeeping or does small home repair jobs? Who loves to tell stories or is a great listener or has retired and has extra time on their hands? Begin to see how some people in your greater social circle may actually enjoy helping you with small tasks from time to time.
Get used to asking for help
Most of us have a hard time admitting that we need help and even more difficulty asking others to help us. It’s important to give yourself permission to ask for help and to remember that other people actually like feeling useful and being of service. But your potential helpers will need to know specifically what you need from them in order to say yes. Choose one task—like getting a few groceries for you—and have a list ready for your potential helper. Then simply ask “I need these items from the store—could you get them for me when you go shopping?”
Don’t apologize
We often fear being a burden to other people and that holds us back from asking for help when we need it. But everyone needs help at one time or another and there’s no reason to apologize or feel guilty for reaching out. The more you learn to simply ask for help when you need it the stronger your ability to protect and preserve your energy will become.
Identify your essential “soul” needs
“Soul” time refers to those simple activities that help you feel most like yourself and most alive. For one woman I know it’s going out in the woods by her house for just a few minutes that helps her feel refreshed and in love with life. For another it’s drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper, or listening to a favorite song, or looking at a garden. Choose one “soul” time activity and figure out how to incorporate it into your day. Tell your loved one, if possible, that you need some time to yourself each day for your health and ask them to help you accomplish that. They need to know that you are not superhuman and that you have needs that matter too.
Take a “self-compassion break”
The Greater Good Science Center has studied the benefits of taking a few moments to treat yourself with compassion whenever you are having a difficult day. In the midst of the struggle, stop briefly and say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” Then say, “Suffering is a part of life.” Next put your hands over your heart and say “May I be kind to myself.” This simple little break can help shift you into a more positive mindset and stop you from beating up on yourself when something has gone wrong.
When you begin to set better boundaries and protect your energy you will become more efficient in the tasks you undertake and less exhausted by the work you do. Start with one small change each day and then gradually expand your ability to care for yourself while you care for your loved one. And remember to ask for help often so that others get used to the idea that you have needs too.
